These pages are dedicated to the peaceful things in life. You'll always find something pretty to see and hear; bring your tea and
take a seat at the table...
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The Comfort Bag
You don't necessarily need to experience panic attacks in order to benefit from having your very own comfort bag; perhaps you just feel a little nervous or awkward when you aren't in your familiar surroundings. That's where the Comfort Bag comes in. It's sort of a mini-trailer-home you carry over your shoulder. Here are a few things we suggest you might like to pack:
* Food. This is always the number one item any respectable woman should carry in her bag. You can never plan too far ahead. You may have a cranky kid who won't shut up (we recommend a Slo Poke to gum up their braces and lock their jaws) or you might get stuck in an elevator with a fat woman who is beginning to eye your calves by the twelfth hour. Either way, at the very least you should carry a few packets of your favorite salad dressing, some crackers and cheese and it wouldn't hurt to throw a slice or two of your favorite cheesecake in a Ziplock bag (note: the plastic bag can double as a porta-potty by the thirteenth hour in that elevator).
Remember when we dressed our dolls in ruffles, lace and bonnets instead of Lycra work-out clothes and platform clogs?
* Water. It doesn't take a genius to figure out you're going to have wash all that down with something, and if you happen to be mugged in a parking lot, throw the water at the man's crotch and maybe the cops can figure it out.
* Music. Preferably this is a smart phone or MP3 player and you have a set of earbuds that you can thread beneath your hair and invisibly into your ears. These aren't only for listening, but when you run into Junior's teacher at the grocery and she wants to stop and talk, just flip up your hair while mouthing the word "w-o-r-k" and slide right past her. Now, if you're standing in line outside Toys-r-Us on Black Friday, only insert one ear bud, tap it frequently and pretend you're calling in security updates while you check your watch. Guaranteed to get you in ahead of even the early birds.
* Wad of Tissues. These are not only for your dainty schnoz or the empty dispenser in the ladies' lavatory, these are modern miracles of deception. Placed below your nostrils disguises your disgust for the cheap perfume your boss is wearing. When worn inside the bra, these keep you dry and tidy when running (you thought I was going to say something else, didn't you?) When placed daintily on a sofa at mom's nursing home, you can determine whether than stained area is still wet or is hopefully left from the last sanitizing. If it's the former, you can inconspicuously sponge up the spot and then tell mom to slide over where she can see the tv better.
* Clean pair of panties. Oh, c'mon, don't tell me you've never had an "oops" and left the ladies' room pantiless. You might get away with it if it was an airy bean dip squish, but those Poise pads need something to grip on to - ouch! (All right, men, you can uncover your eyes now...hey - what are you doing in here anyway??)
* Family pictures. These have been known to drive off the nosiest busy-body. Besides, if you decide to get sloshed, it will give the bartender some clue who to call to come get you off the stool.
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